physics? naw man, teacher told us it was casual friday, so i decided to be super casual and not go.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
