I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
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