my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
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