He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
