Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
The beer is more important than you right now.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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