I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
