Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Randomize
