He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
