I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
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