I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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