I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Randomize
