There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
