Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
We need to rekindle our bromance
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
