someone get that fucking seahorse.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
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