OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
did i walk over a car last night?
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
