my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Randomize
