i'm signing you up for texting rehab
weddingsv make me drug and hornr
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Randomize