I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
we're so committed to being not committed
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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