would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
