my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
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