remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
We need to get me chipped asap
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
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