my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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