We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
