Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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