My girlfriend figured out who you are.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
she told me i tasted like america
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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