look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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