It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize
