Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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