How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
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