Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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