When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
