She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
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