And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
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