i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
