Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
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