I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
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