I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
