I have demons in me.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
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