just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
even my farts smell like vagina
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
