eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Randomize
