you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Randomize
