At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
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