discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
You are a genius and a whore.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
