the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Randomize
