I'm going to jail i love you
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Randomize
