i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
