Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Randomize
