I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
