So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.
So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
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