He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
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