I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
Randomize