Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
