just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
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