No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
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