Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
