Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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