I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
