I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize